Confession

When you are dating the big question is always "So, when do you think you will be engaged?" Then after the engagement the question becomes "When will the wedding be?" Usually about a week after the wedding people start asking "Will you have a baby?" People are usually satisfied for about a year and then the inevitable "Will you have a second?" After the second it seems people don't even wait a month before they ask "Will you have any more?" Then, if you can't give a definitive answer the question is asked repeatedly sometimes once a week and sometimes twice a month.

I always knew I wanted children. I always vacillated between two and 4. During the holidays my sister and I would talk about how much fun it would be if we had a Cool Whip holiday. You know in those old Cool Whip commercials there was always a party with lots of people and kids of all ages running around. Growing up our Christmas and Thanksgiving generally consisted of our nuclear family (my parents, sister, and me) and also my great aunt and sometimes her boyfriend and sometimes my grandma.

As I grew older (high school and college) I leaned more towards 2 children because I began to understand that they are a lot of work and also expensive. I also became more conscious of the impact on the planet and began thinking I would love to adopt.

When I met my husband, we talked about what our expectations were in regards to what our family would look like. He comes from a family with four kids, all being very close. Family was and is very important to him. However, he really didn't know about children. Truth be told he was scared about the uncertainties children held...they are not easily controlled. But because we were dating he humored me and said he was interested in children and even agreed adoption was a socially responsible thing to do. (Those of you who know Mike can probably imagine these words coming out of his mouth.)

So fast forward, we got married and after some coaxing and reassuring became pregnant and had our first son. It was love at first sight for both of us and having a second child was a given. I had a relatively easy pregnancy (only 13 weeks of nausea and an easy labor). My first son was also an extremely easy baby. He slept through the night at 5 weeks. Since I loved being pregnant I put adoption to the side and two years later became pregnant with our second son. This pregnancy was not as easy as the first. There were several hospital visits with dehydration as well as other side effects women hate to talk about. I was also sick for a lot longer. I vowed during my pregnancy that this would absolutely be the last.

After another easy delivery, H also became a champion sleeper and an extremely easy, happy baby. After going back to work and crying at every single milestone, my husband and I decided two things: first there is no way I can continue to work (I began resenting my job, which because it was teaching was terrible for everyone) and we couldn't close the door on having a third child. Yet, if I didn't work, could we afford to have a third? So we decided to not make a decision.

Seventeen months later I have accumulated plastic bins full of clothes from newborn to 18 months. I hear the same question repeated and still do not have an answer. Will we or won't we?

Another question that has also emerged is again the question of adoption. We have not spoken openly about our discussions about adoption because honestly I don't want to hear people's opinions. Pretty much for the same reason we didn't tell anyone the names of our children before they were born. I didn't want to receive unwanted thoughts on the name or see someone's face screw up into a fake smile and say "That's a great name."  But this blog is about confessions and ultimately maybe to gain some clarity. So full-disclosure: we have actually been to an adoption councilor to talk about international adoption. After several months of looking at our finances and our priorities we have decided we cannot afford international and so we have now begun exploring domestic.

I think my husband would prefer, if we had a third, to have it biologically. He has concerns if we did adopt when the child became interested in discovering his or her biological parents how he would feel and what might happen. I understand this concern and think it is valid because it will most likely happen. Every teenager goes through a phase of trying to figure out who they are and if they are adopted learning about their biological history would factor in; however, I have other concerns about going through another pregnancy. I don't want to be sick for another 5 months and miss out on another 5 months of T's life and now H's life. I also don't know if I want to put my body through it again. So we are at a crossroads.

Do we adopt? Do we have another biologically? Or do we say our family is complete? I know we don't have to answer these questions today or tomorrow or even next week. But I would like to finally have an answer the next time someone asks me yet again: "Will you have any more?"